on writing blog posts

It happens to me all of the time. I'll see a picture and think a seemingly profound thought. I'll want to write about it, and then life happens. When I finally get a moment to sit and process, the good idea for a blog post has drained away. I wonder if learning to paint might help, that way people can take whatever they want from the picture in my head. Instead, I sit in pity wondering. God has shown me so many beautiful things over the years, and I want to share. Why don't I? Anyone have a good answer for this?

Just a Thought - Happy and Sad Together

Our world is saturated with happy and sad. Some days are happier, some more sad. We live inside a conundrum. The world is a mixed-up place. It exists with hope in a God whose love is a part of who He is. It also exists as a playing ground for Evil for now. And, even some things that are good, desires of our hearts that are never met, are out of our reach for now. Like I said, intensely mixed-up. I watched this play out today. I watched as a Truman graduate was prayed out of the CCF ministry and on to 'real life' in between of all of the prayers for a new school year and new freshmen coming in. The tears were a beautiful and horrible reminder of how things here are so often really sad and exciting at the same time. Were we really meant to live this mixed up? No - if we had only not messed up in the garden, right? The story is a messy one. Jesus had to die for us. But think about it...without that, without hope, it wouldn't be a mixed up world. It would just be sad, lonely, murderous and extremely ugly. Because of His sacrifice, we get to live mixed-up. We get to experience grief with the hope of a better tomorrow. We get to have peace inside, even when our world is crumbling. We get to do both. We get to be happy and sad together.

It's time for school to start. Again?

I don't foresee this blog post turning into much, so don't get your hopes up. I just keep thinking about how I want to sit down and actually write something in this blog that's been sitting wordless for over a year. I have even started keeping a list entitled "blog topics." I guess that just means that I spend too many hours doing too many other things.

Well, anyway, here we go. Here are a few aimless words about summers and school years. This is the first summer in many years where I have not traveled overseas for some sort of missions project. I did travel to many states for visits, but it was not quite the same. I miss being in places where I don't understand the prominent language. I miss being in places where I am the minority. I don't like being the normal one, remember?

One of my favorite moments of the summer actually took place in a Starbucks in Houston. I walked into the line for my Iced Passion Tea and overheard a conversation in what I believe was one of the Eastern European languages or possibly Russian. I felt like I was home. I've never been to Russia, and even though I have been to Bulgaria, that's the only Eastern European country I've stepped foot in. How is it that I felt at home by hearing a language other than my own? Weird, yet it still makes me smile and sigh. I miss it.

I'll talk about my ideas of home in another blog post. For now, it's time to get ready for the school year. It's time for Truman State to begin bustling with students again. It's time to be overwhelmed with too much to do. I'm excited about new students coming and "old" ones returning. I'm excited to start a new school year.

Well, I told you this wouldn't be too long or too interesting. I'm rambling. I've written something, though, and that's a great jump start for me. Like the new year, I hope this is a new start to a blog-habit. I miss it!

heaven

The preacher today talked about heaven. He referenced I Corinthians 2 verses 9 and 10 and I've been thinking about it all day. No eye has ever seen, no ear has ever heard, no mind can conceive...but God has revealed it by His Spirit. No, our minds don't know, but there is a part of us (the part that yearns desperately for heaven) that knows what we are missing. Our minds can't know it, but our spirit, who is dancing with the Trinity, knows. I think that's why I hurt from my gut most every time I hear or read or sing about heaven. There is a deep longing to be satisfied inside me. Thank You, Papa God, for the satisfaction to come.

i can't sleep

So, its after 2am in Florida, but because its afternoon in Cambodia, I'm awake. It also could have something to do with the fact that I slept til 2 this afternoon. Or maybe its because my mind is reeling with thoughts of mortality. During the three short weeks that I was in SE Asia, two friends passed from this life to heaven. You can read about these amazing friends at www.nmsi.org. John and I worked together. I will miss his quiet spirit who always asked how I was doing. He was the hardest worker I know. Kylee will also be dearly missed. Kylee was there during my worst days. She sometimes took the brunt of my anger and yet she never gave up on me. She showed me so much love and care. There really is no one better that I've met at tough love. She loved me, but even more she loved Jesus and therefore hated sin. So, she confronted it. And, loved me through it. My life is changed significantly because of the clear reflection that Kylee is of Christ. Now, the fallen world is no longer her playground. She doesn't have to be angry at sin. She is dancing with real and perfect joy now. I miss you, Kylee. This also reminded me of 2008. I lost a good friend and my grandfather that year. I'm so excited for the reunion that will happen when time fails us and Yahweh is King here on Earth. I can't wait to know all of my loved ones in their perfect form. What an eternity that will be. For now, I will grieve the loss. And, Yahweh will help me through.

do you love me?

The pastor at my church has been preaching on the third encounter that Christ had with His disciples, found in John 21, and this past Sunday, he talked about the section of scripture where Jesus asks Peter three times "Do you love me?" I was relating to Peter a lot in this quick conversation, because I so often want to say, "Yes, Lord, you know I love you." What I'm slowly realizing, though, is that He is not asking this for His own sake. He is asking for mine. I was also thinking about Jesus' responses when Peter answered. There was trust in the answers. Feed my sheep, feed my lambs...Jesus knew that Peter would play a huge part in the start of the church, and it seems like, this was a bit of a passing of the baton to Peter. Take care of my people, Peter, I know that you can do it, and you can do it BECAUSE you love me.

I can only love others because I love Christ, and I can only love Christ, because He loves me. And, then...feeding can happen. Such simple, gospel truth, and it's amazing how many times a day that we can miss it.

I know that there is more to this passage...let me know what you think.

The Power of Indecision

It's amazing to me how powerful indecision can be. It can monopolize my thoughts and force me to think of nothing else. I get stuck in such a rut that I can not crawl out of it on my own. Wisdom does have a greater power, but how do I get it? Ask for it, right? Ok, I'm asking. Please LORD give me wisdom. I can't even buy a plane ticket without feeling like the minute I purchase the ticket is the minute the prices will go down or the minute a friend calls to say that they'll be in town and the ticket I just bought is returning the day after that. What on earth is keeping me from making rational, even good decisions. I need some Bible time...off I go!

heartache

why does sin cause so much heartache? Jesus come soon!!

new

is it spring where you are? Florida is weird, our seasons aren't normal, and that means that we've kinda skipped spring...our winter does feel a lot like spring, but its not the same when you don't get the deadness of winter that brings the amazing spectacle of spring.  nonetheless...it is spring.  and, spring means "new". and really, God is bringing me to new. God is bringing hope in places where i hadn't seen it before. He is showing me that He is alive and near. He is evident in heat of the day and the coolness of the night. i'm glad for spring...its bringing me nearer to Truth!

gifts

"This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength"

repentance, rest, quietness and trust...gifts from above that i way too often don't think of that way.  God help me to receive these today!

living in fear

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you"

from Saul to Paul

...and Saul was there, giving approval to [Steven's] death (Acts 8:1a)...but Saul began to destroy the church (Acts 8:3a)...meanwhile, Saul was still breathing out murderous threats against the Lord's disciples (Acts 9:1a).

THEN JESUS

..Saul got up from the ground, but when he opened his eyes he could see nothing (Acts 9:8a)...But the Lord said to Ananias, "Go! This man is my chosen instrument to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel. I will show him how much he must suffer for my name. Then Ananias went to the house and entered it. Placing his hands on Saul, he said, "Brother Saul, the Lord-Jesus, who appeared to you on the road as you were coming here-has sent me so that you may see again and be filled with the Holy Spirit.(Acts 9:15-17)...When he came to Jerusalem, he tried to join the disciples, but they were all afraid of him, not believing that he really was a disciple. (Acts 9:27)

THEN BARNABAS

...So Saul stayed with them and moved about freely in Jerusalem, speaking boldly in the name of the Lord. (Acts 9:28)...Then the church throughout Judea, Galilee and Samaria enjoyed a time of peace. It was strengthened; and encouraged by the Holy Spirit, it grew in numbers, living in the fear of the Lord. (Acts 9:31)

THEN PEACE

Father please blind me that I might see...please help me and others see that i am Your disciple...please help me see my Barnabas...then, Lord, please bring us your peace and strength and encouragement living in fear of You alone.

love

when i say this, it's not intended for beating myself up with, it's simply for stating...i'm not very good at loving people, especially those that are the closest to me.  recently, i've let my fear that turns to self-protective anger (my sin) get in the way of relationships.  i say that i want community, but when it starts to get uncomfortable because it perpetuates the refining process, i get scared and lash out (again, my sin).  i say that i want to be loved, but when someone gets too close, i get scared and react (again, usually angrily and hurtfully).  i am what i have never wanted to be, i am abusive and evil.  AND, the only hope that i have is in the gentle love of Christ my savior.  please help me, Jesus, become more like you.

a little bit of peace

i had a hard day today...i kept finding doors closed when i wanted and needed some answers from people. there are other things that made the day hard, too, so tonight i wanted to just get away and get some perspective. so, i started out by the river...its a beautiful place to watch the sunset. Now, I know that I'll get some rolled eyes with this one, but...it was really chilly out by the river and after about 20 minutes, i couldn't be outside anymore. when i left the park, i didn't really know where i was going, i just knew i still wanted to be alone and thinking. so, i did what just about everybody does around 6pm...i went hunting for food. i decided to go south on the main road in ft myers. for those of you who don't know, south from where i live is the airport, and many of you know how i feel about airports. on my way to get food, i spotted an aircraft heading toward the airport, so that's what i did too. and, it made my day. i sat in the cell phone lot and just watched as the airplanes took off and landed. ft myers isn't a very large airport, but its pretty active, especially during snowbird season. sure, i would have rathered to be watching in atlanta or houston, but this did the trick, and besides, you don't get palm trees much in those cities. i was reminded how spectacular the machines that man has built are and that the air that the machines dance with still belongs to our creator. to me, its a beautiful dance to watch. maybe you should check it out sometime...see if you can appreciate it just a little more. :)

i know better

not profound or brilliant, but...surely by now I have learned my lesson...no more coffee at or after dinner time!!!

make my day

I got to be a part of God working today. He loves me and I'm finally starting to really believe it. I just had to share, because it made my day!

discovery

i've recently become a huge fan of Lauryn Hill. she did mtv unplugged in 2002 with an album that is really raw and honest and worshipful (thanks to my friend Wendy who introduced me). i'm still looking for the words to describe it, but its really good. i think you should check it out. http://www.mtv.com/music/artist/hill_lauryn/albums.jhtml?albumId=316654

sin

today's lesson is about sin and saddness. it starts with a lie, and we've all believed it at one point or another. the lie is that my story (the sin that's been done against me, to me...that i've done to others) or your story or the heart-wrenching story that we see on the news or the tragic story of the girl sold to monsters for sex or even the story of the starving child that sits alone on the side of a dirt street in Africa...i could go on and on, but here's the lie - the lie is that one of those stories is bigger than another. we spend so much time comparing and emphasizing and bloating these stories that we're blind to this truth - sin doesn't have levels in God's eyes. God sees sin and it breaks His heart! and it breaks His heart EQUALLY. i needed to know this...i needed to know that it was ok for me to mourn over sin, all of it no matter how small i thought it was...God's tears flow over all of it.

friends

One of my favorite things about our Triennial conference was the amount of hugs and snuggling that happened. It happened because we just pretty much have a snuggly group who cares about each other. So, here are a few of my favorite people. I hope that you can see the beauty in doing life together with friends and with an occasional snuggle with friends. It helps with the really rough times, too!