i hate goodbyes

I don't think I'm going to say anything profound here. Maybe I'll just tell you about my day. I left our pre-field orientation one day early. I really don't like saying goodbye, and I had about 50 to say. Many of those were to new friends, but the worst ones were the ones of friends I hate being without. I know that its awesome that these friends are spending the next two months overseas and doing great things for the Kingdom, I just wish that I could be with them all! I miss them already. And, the reason that I left a day early was to share in the memorial service of a friend who recently died of cancer (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/scottwalker). So, basically, I think I'll go to bed now and cry myself to sleep. The least I can do is gift these friends with my tears.

flying lessons

I was flying again on Friday, and lately, flying has caused me all kinds of anxieties. My fear flies into my face as I get closer to departure time and then while I'm on the aircraft itself. I was flying from Ft Myers to Houston with a layover in Atlanta. The flight from RSW to ATL was interesting. The gentleman next to me was gracious enough to let me talk his ear off. The second flight, though, was much more quiet. And, the woman in the seat next to me was unapproachable. I was discouraged, but I didn't panic and run off of the airplane. I thought about it, of course, but I wanted to see my friend Roxanne and attend another friend's wedding. And, I didn't want to spend the night in Atlanta. So, I hung in there, and here's what came of it. The flight was miserable...summer air can be so turbulent, and I was smack in the middle of it. I cringed every time we bumped. It was awful. The funny part was, though, that each time I cringed and screamed God's name in my head, this thought would come to mind. It would say "Hang in there, I've got you." That helped. No, I didn't miraculously feel at peace, but I think that my blood pressure dropped. Out of that thought and another one ("Reality is always my friend."), I started making a list of truths. The thing that hit me the hardest was that God can not drop me. His hands do not falter. He doesn't trip over bumps in the carpet and drop me on the ground accidentally. If God is holding me, I can't be dropped. He's too perfect. Does this help my faith...yeah, some. I've seen people hurt in His hands, and that I'm still grappling with, but I'm in His big, strong, perfect hands, and that keeps my airplane flying in the bumpy air.

Bminor

I was just sitting here strumming on "my" guitar. I put quotes around the "my" because technically the guitar is not mine, but the person who I am borrowing it from is most assuredly out of the country and won't be back to get the guitar for another 2 1/2 years at least, maybe more. I'm excited to be able to use the guitar, because as you can imagine, I can't afford one of my own. I'm not the best guitarist, of course, I'm just learning, but in my learning, I've decided that there are a few things I love about playing guitar and a few things I DON'T. One of the things that I don't love is the Bminor chord. Bar chords in general are a huge pain to me. I hope that over time and practice, these will get easier to play. Please tell me that they'll get easier. Otherwise, I think I'll make up some new chords and play them instead. Maybe, I just need to begin to look at frustration as my friend. Maybe??

new picture

So...today was a fun day. I've been thinking about coloring my hair dark brown for a long time. Today, my friend Laura helped me go through with it. It was fun and felt awesomely rebellious. I decided to straighten it today for maximum surprise. I used to be a person who loved shock. Most of the shock value that I showed was via my big mouth. I could say almost anything and it would usually get the rise that I desired. I look like such a kind, sweet person, right? I wasn't! I'm not sure that much has changed within my thoughts (or maybe it has?), but thankfully my out-loud words have gotten a bit more encouraging over the years. So now, I'll just stick to shocking people with my hair. I love it!

thought patterns

I am so torn between two thought patterns. Sure, I know that's normal. I know that everyone experiences the tug between good and evil within themselves. I know that what I experience minute by minute is not something that you can't relate to. This week's battle puts relationship against independence. As a human being, it is built into me to desire relationship. In the deepest part of me, I want it. But (and I weigh that word heavily), I REALLY want safety. Safety for someone like me, who comes from a plethora of broken relationships, does not encompass relationships. My safe place is locked away in a room with no one else around. You know as well as I do that a person could die there, I could die there and if I'm not intentional, I will. I'm not stupid, I know the consequences of isolating and alienating myself. I keep thinking that a rock-bottom experience might knock me out of this rut, but God would rather I just choose good in the middle of the regular everyday mix-up. I think this is probably the first time that I've been this honest on this blog. I don't like it, but it's easier to blog it than it is to talk with someone about it face-to-face. Maybe I'll find healing here.