thought patterns

I am so torn between two thought patterns. Sure, I know that's normal. I know that everyone experiences the tug between good and evil within themselves. I know that what I experience minute by minute is not something that you can't relate to. This week's battle puts relationship against independence. As a human being, it is built into me to desire relationship. In the deepest part of me, I want it. But (and I weigh that word heavily), I REALLY want safety. Safety for someone like me, who comes from a plethora of broken relationships, does not encompass relationships. My safe place is locked away in a room with no one else around. You know as well as I do that a person could die there, I could die there and if I'm not intentional, I will. I'm not stupid, I know the consequences of isolating and alienating myself. I keep thinking that a rock-bottom experience might knock me out of this rut, but God would rather I just choose good in the middle of the regular everyday mix-up. I think this is probably the first time that I've been this honest on this blog. I don't like it, but it's easier to blog it than it is to talk with someone about it face-to-face. Maybe I'll find healing here.

home again?

I've been back in Florida for a couple of days now. Its been great to rest from so much running amuck (as my friend Jen says) in Texas. It was, of course, good and productive running. And, it was also pretty exhausting. I'm grateful for exhaustion as opposed to sickness (which I'm pretty sure that my body is fighting at the moment). I really wanted to readdress this 'home' thing. Here's why...I've been so-called 'back home' so many times in my life. I don't like calling a place home just because that's where all of my stuff is, but the reality of life is that there is comfort in being in that place. Its nice to be able to unpack everything in a place, no matter where that place is located. Does this make sense? I'm thankful for a place to lay my head and a room of my own, but I'm still not sure what this really means. If you know, please tell me. I guess its good that I mostly feel like an alien here, huh?

humbling

I'm astounded at the cool things that God has been blessing me with this time in Houston. On the support front...God provided a big ole fat one time gift and another monthly supporter is increasing their support a bunch. How awesome is that? I guess I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing, eh? WOW!

my favorite

speechless

I love the Houston skyline, and this is my favorite building. Its so geometrical and orderly. Maybe its my mathmatical brain or maybe its just I like elementary shapes. Either way, I love this building. I've always loved this building. Its been my favorite to see when I fly into Houston and my favorite to drive by. I marvel at this building. It helps me to know that I am somewhere that I've been before. It welcomed me this past Friday and it will wave goodbye as I leave on Sunday. This skyline is special and amazing (and, that's not even talking about the people who are special and amazing). I know that God is here, I can even see Him in the buildings. What is your favorite skyline? or favorite picture you've taken with your eyes and heart and mind?

i don't wanna be normal...

I was just thinking that I want to explain the choice I made of "i don't wanna be normal." Here's the deal. Growing up as an Army kid, I hardly ever got the chance to be normal, unless we were on a base, and that was rare for us. So, in high school, I think, when we were "settled" for a little while, I changed my view. I'd fought so long to be normal, and it didn't work. Now, I just wanna be. Unfortunately, that means that when anyone tries to tell me that I'm normal now it evokes the bottom lip. Needless to say...I don't wanna be normal anymore.

Home?

To those of you who know me, you know that I'm about as rootless as they come. Growing up as an army brat, I went to 8 different schools. In my opinion, thats a bunch. And, I don't remember any, but maybe one, of those places feeling like home. When I came back to Houston this time, that changed somewhat. Landing at IAH, driving south on I45, stopping at Starbucks on Bay Area...all of this seemed normal and right and good. I'm only guessing that this is what people feel like when they come home from being away for a long time. Its been very surreal. This has never happened to me before. I don't really know a place called "home". Houston has surprised me. I won't stay here, but I am already thinking of when I'll come back again. I like this feeling comfortable in a place. (I'm sure the restlessness would settle back in again if I were here a few years, but I'm not talking about that on right now.) I wanna hear about home for you guys. Is it comfortable there for you?

a new blogger

I love Panera. I'm sitting here watching a beautiful, warm-but-not-too-warm, Houston day outside and enjoying just watching the traffic. Watching other people go about their "everyday" is so interesting to me. What is the woman in the white shirt thinking as she rushes out of the restaurant and into her white SUV? How fulfilled is the manager of this place? He's been walking around with a smile, but is it genuine or just plastered on because the GM is around today? The guy at the computer across from me has left his seat several times in the past couple of hours. Is he here just to get out of the office or (like me) is he from out of town and just here because of the free internet? Sometimes its fun look outside myself and see how normal everyday can be without trying to super-impose myself into it. Normal isn't something I see a whole lot of at NMSI. The community takes such great care of each other that being outside of it feels like walking into Grand Central Station without having any idea how to get to the train you need. Uncomfortable, but strangely fitting into this world is I guess is where we're supposed to be. Its a trust issue, right? I feel completely random in this first post, but I guess that's kinda where I am. I'm full of random thoughts that just keep coming into my head with no invitation at all. Random keeps me entertained, if nothing else. Hope your day is full of random, too. Who knows what this brain will come up with next. Have a good day! Jen