Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I am so torn between two thought patterns. Sure, I know that's normal. I know that everyone experiences the tug between good and evil within themselves. I know that what I experience minute by minute is not something that you can't relate to. This week's battle puts relationship against independence. As a human being, it is built into me to desire relationship. In the deepest part of me, I want it. But (and I weigh that word heavily), I REALLY want safety. Safety for someone like me, who comes from a plethora of broken relationships, does not encompass relationships. My safe place is locked away in a room with no one else around. You know as well as I do that a person could die there, I could die there and if I'm not intentional, I will. I'm not stupid, I know the consequences of isolating and alienating myself. I keep thinking that a rock-bottom experience might knock me out of this rut, but God would rather I just choose good in the middle of the regular everyday mix-up. I think this is probably the first time that I've been this honest on this blog. I don't like it, but it's easier to blog it than it is to talk with someone about it face-to-face. Maybe I'll find healing here.