Tuesday, April 29, 2008

thought patterns

I am so torn between two thought patterns. Sure, I know that's normal. I know that everyone experiences the tug between good and evil within themselves. I know that what I experience minute by minute is not something that you can't relate to. This week's battle puts relationship against independence. As a human being, it is built into me to desire relationship. In the deepest part of me, I want it. But (and I weigh that word heavily), I REALLY want safety. Safety for someone like me, who comes from a plethora of broken relationships, does not encompass relationships. My safe place is locked away in a room with no one else around. You know as well as I do that a person could die there, I could die there and if I'm not intentional, I will. I'm not stupid, I know the consequences of isolating and alienating myself. I keep thinking that a rock-bottom experience might knock me out of this rut, but God would rather I just choose good in the middle of the regular everyday mix-up. I think this is probably the first time that I've been this honest on this blog. I don't like it, but it's easier to blog it than it is to talk with someone about it face-to-face. Maybe I'll find healing here.


jendove said...

you can't find healing to walling off relationships on a computer or in a blog or even in encouraging comments left for you to show you someone is reading. so ya, be honest in a blog, but then use that self-awareness to talk to someONE with hair and fingernails who can enter into your life. :)

Nate said...

Love it jendove, so true. Sometimes, I find I've gotta take it in steps... easier to put it on paper, lay it out and let it breathe, before I can lay it on another human directly.

It's good, and also dangerous out here in the ether. There is safety (no matter how false) when we can be honest with ourselves without looking somebody in the eye. A blog is a little like walking down the street talking to yourself, making and defending arguments for who you are: do it for real, and people call you nutzy... do it here, and people call you deep.

I've known more than one person who has used this mass of fiber and wires as insulation against interference... God, I know I need interference. We were created to bump into each others' space, live in each others' crap, give a hand up whenever you can, and take the hand that's reaching down toward you even more often.

We're out here, we're listening... but I'd rather talk, Starbucks is always good :) Ready whenever you are.

Laura said...

I applaud your honesty and courage in writing this down. I know this is a big step. thanks for the heart that you've shared with me, and I'm looking forward to more real-life conversations. :o)